a normal day in May

i am currently in full kookum mode must have something to do with auntie angs new baby   any day any day  i really dont care what the sex is im so happy about a new BABY

i have reflected earlier in my life on what it would be like to be a grandmother  in my youth i recall being frightened and horrified about the possibility  really really  im supposed to wear wraparounds   long floral print dresses   scarfs   when it rains im supposed to put rubber shells over my wraparounds   luckily those moments were fleeting  easily discarded as fantasy improbable never will happen

the older i got the thought would occur more often  i laffed when i convocated i would be a kookum with a degree in business administration with a concentration in health development  i used to body build and run  yah i would never grow old

these days i recall my grandparents more and more  i regret not knowing them as people with their own issues and life experiences  i never got the chance to have long conversations with them like adrianna does with me  my paternal grandfather was the one i was closest with  he was a tiny skinny man  i remember dark skin and a big shock of white hair i remember that he never had a terse world for me  was always happy to see me  didnt mind talking to me about stuff  spending time with me   time passes and people tell me different things about him as a person  i dont care  really i didnt see that  i can see his hygiene wasnt that greatest lol but he was always nice to me

my maternal grandfather died when i was ten him too he was always happy to see me and talk to me  unfortunately my last memory of him is very very sad it involves him coming home  i happened to be sleeping over with my cousin at his house  he came home late my grandmother was mad at him for that i guess  we could hear him moving around the house  taking off his shoes sitting in his chair turning on the tv  he got up one more time but he fell and he fell hard  me and my cousin tried to jump outta bed to go help but my grandmother told us to stay in the room   she was in the next bed   we could hear him snoring for awhile and then we didn't hear him snoring anymore  finally fell asleep next morning they wouldnt let us outta the bedroom because the ambulance attendants were removing his body   one regret i have but i was just a kid  who knew

my grandmothers   i wasnt close with either of them  i remember feeling welcomed by my paternal grandmother  the one or two times i happened to see her   thats a long story that i dont have the right to share but suffice it to say my dad wasnt really happy about her for the longest time  but i do remember she made all of us mukluks one winter those were the coolest boots ever lol they had some hideous red uppers but they were comfy and warm  my maternal grandmother i had more daily contact with  i don't recall her ever happy to see me  i recall her happy to see my other sisters   i was a chubby kid with bad excema and a runny nose there were soooo many of us in the family maybe we got on her nerves sometimes   english was not her first language and cree was not mine lots of things played into that situation

this brings us to me  i have daily contact with adrianna  shes my oldest granddaughter  i was 39 when she was born  she is gonna be 9 this year  we talk i am always happy to see her   i dont have daily contact with shaydee decklen or deleno  they live on PMR  i do call from time to time  i have sent gifts  i try to pop in at least twice a year   i love them all sooo much  i always light up when i see them  i speak to them with respect  i give them sticky messy candy and a coin or two everytime i see them  i only have happy memories with all of them

grandparenthood is awesome  it makes me so gloriously happy  yesterday i had a little feast for my late stepson austin saddleback  made great chicken soup and bannock and tea and pepsi  and candy and doritos and bananas and grapes and players light cigarettes   i made a plate for him and my late mother and went to place them in a clean place in nature for them to eat  i know it all sounds so antiquated and superstitious but it is our culture and it gives me comfort   it must give them comfort to see it too  

anytime i do anything of a cultural nature i always think of my grandparents  i used to worry that i would never get everything right but i have come to realize that it is the act that is important not so much the process  the ends rather then the means   i even bought sugarless hard candy yesterday and placed it in a tupperware bowl on my 50's looking kitchen table   i have entertained the thought of getting a kookum dress made for myself for such events  and wraparounds really wouldn't be soooo bad but i cant rock the head scarf   i got a neck tattoo and a couple facial piercings lol  i will continue to do my best in relaying my love for you and my children  thats all i can do

about me

this is a quick note about me so if u ever wonder - wonder if grandma would like this? u might be able to figure it out

i am 48 yrs old when i write this my life has not been too spectacular in that i haven't personally found the cure for cancer or diabetes that kinda global world changing stuff  my life is more about the mundane everyday stuff

i like to think that i am humorous in fact that is what i d like to be my lasting legacy that when people think of me after i pass that they remember when i made them laugh on purpose and not on purpose  lol and o yes that i raised good people  no serial killers here

this is what i think other people perceive me to be:  mean, not funny, tense, unapproachable, intimidating
i am pretty sure i am a high functioning autistic person, or at the very least have autistic tendencies that might lend itself to other people's perception of me but mostly i think other people as insecure and like i said it's THEIR perception  lol

one of your uncles has a very mild form of autism too  guess which one

people that know me well understand that i have these tendencies, and generally i like to see the good in people but that was not always the case

 when i was a young child i was frightened and tense about EVERYTHING in the world, i counted things to calm myself down  i rarely spoke to people outside my family and was generally 'inside' myself.  i was smack dab in the middle of 8 children (will provide a genealogical tree sometime in the future)  i kinda blended in  somewhere around my 10th year i found humor  nothing specific that i remember but i did realize that i have to  interact with the world

i won't get into the chronological order of my life cause i can't remember it in sequence  i have not idea how people write their autobiographies  my memories are flashes of visual  stuff and scents  i get creeped out when people say i was at such and such an event in my life and i have no memory of it  i had somewhat of a misspent youth that i will explain at some point but that might explain the memory issues but mostly i think i have too much in my head and 'some has to fall out'

i have a university degree i was the first in my family to have one  pretty cool

i raised all the children i bore no 'lost' children in my closet  what u got is what u have lol  but their father's are another question

i have loved deeply but he was not the father of any of my children  odd yes  i will try to explain later

i have grieved deeply and have gotten through it    time really does heal, but so does acceptance  more on that

i am a psychic person, and can communicate with the spirit world   another time another story

i am very capable and very intelligent

i am a voracious reader

i prefer solitary activities

i am curious about everything  i ask questions

i can see through people and their 'veneers'  i really dislike superficial people   i really life funny people

i call people on their bullshit and that can make enemies   but i don't really care

i don't want fortune and fame,  i want contentment and security

i don't suffer fools gladly,  ignorance is a cancer on society

 

spectacular falls

i have to say that i am clumsy  i haven't always been this way  at least i like to think that  but that doesn't explain the various scars i have in various places all over my body
sorry grandchildren i am not a stoic graceful native matriarch i am more a clumsy clueless 5yr old most of the time
the reason for this blog is because i fell again outside in the dark all by myself  no one in my inner or outer circle for that matter seemed phased  lol  they were in fact quite blaise
well can't blame them    i have fallen at least five times in the last year alone i sincerely hope none of you inherit my weak damn ankles or my gracelessness
i will start with the fall the other day: about 12:30 @ nite, spring weather kinda cold kinda wet i was wearing my spiffy rubber boots.  i had taken my eagle plumes and sweetgrass to show someone of another culture i had just finished parking my SUV (yes gramma rocked a black SUV)   i was carrying said sweetgrass and plumes in my right hand and sundre items in the other  i took a stride with left foot and that foot never quite gained purchase
from my perspective the fall took a split second all of a sudden the cold wet asphalt was beside my left ear, and my hands knees and left boob hurt   then i rolled on my back  i can say with confidence that plumes DID NOT touch the ground or get wet  but they also didn't save me either did the sweetgrass lol

the fall before that was outside on the street in the dead of winter 50below  no i kid but it was coooold  i was walking to my truck right foot went to the right  left foot stayed in place right foot kept going  lol landed on left  knee and left foreman slammed the cold hard ice.  i damaged the ulna nerve  it was basically like having a funny bone for about a week   various bruises on knees

the fall before that happened in the summer @ a pow wow on PMR in july i had gone back to arbour to look for uncle cullen minding my own beeswax and i fell in a little dip in the ground a natural dip in the ground  luckily for me not so luckily for the young teens with budding romance that came to help   they were cute i remember hearing their stupid conversation before we met on the road  really?  noway?  got any smokes?  omg are u ok?   lol  meanwhile i was rolling on the wet ground holding my right ankle i try to hold onto some pride after i have fallen i just sent them 30ft down the road to the truck where kookum george was sitting waiting for me  she took me to the hospital  i got a cool brown metal cane for that one

the fall before that was @ DDCasino  i was opening my office door  i had it open and was actually kicking the door jam down  the ankle that i had my weight on gave out while i still had the other foot up kicking the door jam  as soon as i put the other one down it rolled out in the other direction  f**k did that hurt   (yes gramma swears tries not to but i do)  i don't know what kind of laws of gravity took place but i ended up with on my back with my body inside the office and my head in the hall   as i was falling i actually had the thought that surveillance would have this on tape  that one really really hurt  i crawled from the hall to my desk and cried  i got the day off and grief for missing the next couple days   don't ask they suck  lol

the time before that was @ the casino again and this was my fault i have some rockin wedges (i kinda have a shoe thing too its not real bad)  and i tried to walk across gravel in them  yah rolled out

i have had several spectacular falls  ask auntie ang about leaving me in a field in the dark when she was 8yrs old lol  i have fallen on a sidewalk in edmonton while 8mths pregnant with uncle cullen   thx to the nice gentleman that screeched on his brakes and came to help  hiy hiy  a drunken fall where i tore a tendon but didn't know because i was wearing my boots  (yes gramma was bad in her youth and wore cowboy boots)

unfortunately my death will probably have something to do with a fall  luckily i have never hit my head when i fall my knees are very scarred though  i will pray from this day forward that i don't get a brain injury but i refuse to walk around like an old lady either   maybe a bit of caution is warranted  i want to be 80 and bloggin  to you still   my babies having babies  sooooo cool i love it and i love you

hello web

this is me first post   i have never thought that my rambling thoughts could be found interesting to anyone else  i only decided to start a blog because it gives me a chance just to log things that i normally would forget  i am almost 48 yrs old i had a misspent youth and my memory is not very good.  so i need this for my grandchildren that will grow up with technology being the norm for them

i hope that they will remember me as a human being because it took me this long to realize that my grandparents who died in my childhood with out me getting a chance to 'know them' were very interesting beings  all of us are we just have to take the time to get to know people  this is what i hope to do with this blog as get to know more people in the world  i hope i make a lot of new friends and old one will understand me more